How did I transition into polyamory?
Well, I woke up one day and said you know what…I can love two or more people equally and so I was polyamorous!
If only breaking into any lifestyle was that easy.
My pathway into non-monogamy and polyamory isn’t one I recommend, but it’s a path I’m sure many people take.
In August 2017, I started seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety that I’d had for more than half my life. What does that have to do with polyamory? Stick around, you’ll find out.
It took about 3-4 months in counseling and on an antidepressant to finally start to feel like…well, me! I was also starting to feel disconnected from my current life. I was married, happily so. I had a house and a dog and a couple of cars and everything any person would ever want, but I was also lonely. During my sessions, my doctor and I discovered that loneliness and boredom were triggers. I was/am extremely impulsive when I got/get bored or lonely and my husband and I were trying to fix our debt, not escalate it with triggered shopping trips or vacations.
This begs the question: before I had money (when I was a teenager) what did I do to curb these triggers? My nerdom is going to show, but I role played. No, not the kink kind of role play. I was a chat room role player. Remember Yahoo! Chats? AOL Instant Messenger? Those were my jam.
Well, guess what! None of those services exist anymore!
Damn…what am I going to do now? I didn’t know what else to do, so I randomly type ‘chats’, ‘talk to people’, etc. in my Google Browser. I don’t recommend this…this is how you get murdered! Through the Google search, I found the phone app MeetMe. It was advertised as an app that “helps you find new people nearby who share your interests and want to chat now”. Do you see where I’m going? No? Let me guide you: it’s a dating app.
Side Note: This isn’t the first time I’ve used online/phone apps to meet people. In 2010, I moved to Texas and used the website myYearbook to meet people. Turns out that myYearbook was bought in 2011 by the company Quepasa and was renamed MeetMe. How ironic…
Anywho…at this point in our relationship we weren’t open, but he was well aware that I was building friendships with other people. Males and I have always built stronger relationships than females and me, so the majority of the persons I was talking with on MeetMe were male. Then I met The Chef.
The Chef and I had wonderful discussions. He was aware of my marriage and our relationship was strictly platonic. At this point in my marriage, discussions of an open relationship had already popped up. “Let’s have a threesome” was the start of that conversation. The ideas were all one-sided — mine — and not perceived positively by my husband. Prior to my husband and I getting together and having a monogamous marriage, I always had feelings for multiple people at the same time. However, monogamy is taught at childhood and these feelings were squashed and thought of as cheating. I started having these feelings for The Chef. Not amorous emotions, but sexual desires.
The Chef was a swinger. He introduced swinging to me and what swinging was all about. It interested me and there was a swingers club close to home that my sister, at one point, had recommended to my husband and me. I brought it up to my husband again. And here’s where the details get a little fuzzy…give me a break, we’re talking about events from like…April or May…and I can’t remember what I had for breakfast.
I do remember that my husband was adamant against swinging or opening our marriage. Then changed his mind. For two whole days our marriage was open and during that time (on Independence Day 2018), I had sexual relations with the first man that wasn’t my husband in over seven years. I was petrified and excited and wasn’t even supposed to be anything of the sort.
I’d driven down to Annapolis to see someone I’d met on MeetMe. Don’t do this! This is how you get murdered! We met at his sister’s house, where he was house-sitting. DON’T DO THIS! Fortunately, it all turned out well, Annapolis turned out to be a great guy. He teased me about the amount of lip balm I put on (I’m super addicted to EOS). His teasing turned into a wrestling match over my lip balm, which then turned into us making out, which then turned into more. Yes, the more you’re thinking.
Then my husband called freaking out. I’m not sure if he had some sort of video camera watching us or ESP that I’d slept with someone else, but he left work early because he was having a total breakdown over my being with someone else. And our open marriage closed back up.
Our marriage stayed closed and a disgruntled me disconnected with The Chef, who tried to convince me to cheat on my husband. Annapolis and I stayed connected, but I didn’t meet with him any time after and even after my marriage ended I haven’t seen him. Only sporadic discussions regarding an open marriage occurred for several weeks after. A full blown argument nearly ended the discussion of having an open marriage.
Before I go any further, let me say that this wasn’t about the ability to just fuck whomever I wanted. It sounds like it because that’s where it started, but building the relationships I had with the people I did via the MeetMe app really opened my eyes to the world of polyamory and completed me.
MeetMe turned into a giant shit storm of dick pics and guys who just wanted to fuck even though my profile specifically stated I was only looking for friends, so I moved to Badoo. At the same time, I was interviewed and got a position working in Chicagoland, IL. After discussions with my husband, I decided that spending the four months in Chicagoland would be the best move for my career and I spent July through November in Chicagoland with my husband staying home and taking care of the house and dog.
We had one more open marriage discussion on our way to Chicagoland (we drove) and decided the discussion of opening our marriage up would occur when I came home. Except, apparently, I can’t wait that long. After being in Chicagoland for two weeks, I was meeting people in the area to make friends and met PawPaw.
PawPaw and I briefly talked on Badoo before meeting at a piano bar and ending the evening fucking in his hot tub. 🤐 After the second time I slept with PawPaw, I told my husband. We had a two-day argument with him berating me for cheating on him and me telling him that I wasn’t going to close the marriage again. The argument ended with him conceding and our marriage opening up.
I told you it’s not the pathway I recommend anyone take!
Our marriage was great the month following. I fell hard for PawPaw and he became one of my permanent partners. 😊 My husband and PawPaw and I hung out a couple times while my husband was visiting me in Chicagoland. One month after we opened our marriage an unforgivable event unrelated to opening our marriage ended it.
Since the end of July, when I concluded I could no longer be monogamous, to today, I have had a handful of partners and I have never been happier than I am now. Again, I don’t recommend this pathway to non-monogamy for anyone. Polyamory is about openness, honesty, and communication. Although this pathway wasn’t the best path, I maintain that I was honest with my now ex-husband regarding my infidelity and our marriage was secure throughout the remaining month while we were open.
Now that I’ve told you how not to transition into polyamory, how about you tell me how you did?