You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 1

You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 1

There’s been a lot of serious discussions in the last couple of weeks, so let’s have some lighthearted fun.  This is a seven-part series touching on everything from your metamour and paramour tag-teaming to tea you to the numerous metaphors used to describe your polycule’s calendar.  Thank you to all of my polyamorous family in the multitude of Facebook groups I’m in for their contribution to this post.  By no means is this list fulling encompassing; if I’ve missed something you’d like to see in the next part of this series, leave a comment!

You know you’re polyamorous when…

  • You realized you were attracted to more than one person at a time.
  • You have multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships, and each partner is aware and consenting of the others.
  • Your paramour informs you that you’re in a pod and you have to look that up.
  • You have to remember if you’ve already told this story/joke/important thing to this partner or that partner.
  • You need to keep track of which memes you’ve sent to which partner.
  • You say “Honey” and three partners say “What?”
  • You start describing partners with a short phrase so others know who you’re talking about.
  • The sound of a sniffle or cough means time for quarantine.
  • You have long-ass goodbyes.
  • You grew up constantly dumping people because you had a crush on someone else.
  • You told your mom as a teenager that you wanted to marry multiple people but thought you had to do it one at a time.
  • You realize that you want to love everyone, but repress those feelings when you find a monogamous partner.
  • You have a spreadsheet detailing your partners’ and metamours’ allergies, favorite and least favorite foods, gift ideas, and love languages.
  • You have all of your partner’s vehicle information and doctor and insurance information so you can help call to set up appointments if needed.
  • You have a set of sheets assigned to each partner.
  • The neighbor screams at anyone of the opposite gender that comes over asking “Are you their partner? They have more than one you know, you’re not the only one!”
  • You can’t figure out if the underwear in the laundry basket belongs to one of your partners or a family member.
  • You wish your bed was a California King so you could sleep between both your partners, but your bed is only a Queen and it’s impossible.
  • You have to coordinate with partners and metamours to have different toothbrush colors, and to somehow mark who’s deodorant stick is who’s.
  • You saw your partner kissing another person and hope they got their number.
  • You are insistent to your partner that they can see other people.
  • Your partner’s partner buys you cool gifts.
  • Your partners are on a date to a play you helped design. You stayed home to make a cake for them.
  • You commiserate together with your partner’s partner about how difficult it is to think of anything to give as a gift to your partner.
  • You giggle together with your partner’s partner about a specific quirk of your partner’s. You both find it endearing.
  • You ship your partners.
  • Your partner can’t come to your mom’s birthday so she invites your other partner instead.
  • Every birthday or holiday means plotting with your metamours.
  • You have to think of something besides, “You said yes to this,” to tell your metamour when your partner is being ridiculous because you also said yes to that.
  • Your excited to have a metamour to “team up with” for teasing your partner because you’ve been teamed upon by your partners too many times.
  • You wake up from a group nap and see your partners holding each other and it is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.
  • You accidentally talk to one partner about something that you were actually talking to another partner about and they have no clue what you’re going on about.
  • You have to keep track of who drinks and who doesn’t.
  • You know the exact coffee orders of multiple people.
  • You talk about your feelings literally all the time.
  • You’re super confused on whether you’ve talked about my day and work drama with one partner, another partner, or all partners.
  • Your mom asks you if you have any new crushes.
  • When you call your partner because you’re upset about something with your other partner.
  • You are all laughing all the way to the bank because everyone pays into the rent and bills.
  • You have multiple incomes!
  • You’re trying to help one partner’s kid with their homework and stumble, so you call up a metamour who holds a relevant degree and they explain it over video chat.
  • The kids call you both/all “Mom” or “Dad” and no one cares who made whom.
  • Planning a family weekend requires two vehicles.
  • Your child has expressed concern because her cousin “only has one mommy and one daddy. I don’t think he has enough parents.”
  • Your kid loves your second partner as much as you do, and you feel an insane amount of joy and love as your precious kid gains a new parental figure
  • You have a legit solution for when your friends complain that they can only have one partner.
  • Your ace/aro roommates say “Well, between the three of us, we average to dating a typical number of people.”
  • You’re on birth control and you say to your partner “Better take some condoms” when going out.
  • You have a sex injury and your partners respond like Urkel (“Did I do that?”).
  • You just hand out copies of The Ethical Slut, Opening Up, etc.
  • More Than Two has the same reverence and respect in your household as the Bible does in others.
  • You get sick of every love song using “the (only) one” to describe their love.
  • You realize every romantic comedy and sitcom plot can be fixed with non-monogamy.
  • You yell at the TV during romcoms “YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHOOSE! JUST SEE THEM BOTH!”
  • You’re flabbergasted that the only movie you can find where they tried non-monogamy is Three for the Show, a musical from 1955.
  • A trip to the amusement park or on a plane involves a seating plan.
  • When you refer to people in traditional and monogamous relationships as muggles.
  • You can’t find your bra so your polycule does role call from their rooms to see if you left it there.
  • You find a bra in your bed that isn’t yours so you take a picture and start sending it around to find the owner.
  • You have a lost and found group text to the whole poly family to find said bra’s owner.
  • Most of the polycule is the same size, so you just have a massive shared wardrobe.
  • You don’t know which partner brought their the metamour’s over-sized shirt to sleep in, but you totally thought it was your other partner’s when you stole it.
  • When you lose a shirt after swimming with a partner and they find it three months later in their laundry.
  • Your clothes are spread out over a 265-mile radius between partners.

Read the other parts of the series!

Volume One | Volume Two | Volume Three | Volume Four
Volume Five | Volume Six| Volume Seven


Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

6 thoughts on “You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 1

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