You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 2

This is a seven-part series touching on everything from your metamour and paramour tag-teaming to tea you to the numerous metaphors used to describe your polycule’s calendar.  Thank you to all of my polyamorous family in the multitude of Facebook groups I’m in for their contribution to this post.  By no means is this list fulling encompassing; if I’ve missed something you’d like to see in the next part of this series, leave a comment!

You know you’re polyamorous when…

  • You have multiple Valentine’s Day.
  • You wake up in the morning, go to kiss all your loves good morning & forget who was in which bed that night.
  • Stacy’s dad has it going on too.
  • You have multiple group chats for your multiple relationship formations.
  • The relationship status “It’s complicated” doesn’t begin to cover your situation.
  • You leave the lube out from sex with your partner earlier in the day, and your spouse comes home to find it.
  • You don’t answer a text from your spouse for a few minutes and he sends you a message that says “are y’all fucking?” and you totally are.
  • You actively support your partner chasing her crush because it makes her happy and you love seeing her happy.
  • You often consider taking out a second mortgage to cover Valentine’s Day
  • You need a flow chart, powerpoint presentation, and an hour of time to explain your relationship status.
  • Your metamours bring a gas can instead of AAA.
  • You recognize that it probably wasn’t that normal to take two dates to your prom because you refused to choose one or the other.
  • Every movie about love triangles makes you facepalm, but also gives you plenty of material to write fanfiction resolving the whole thing with polyamory.
  • Having a guest bedroom in your apartment is mandatory, but you don’t have many out-of-town friends.
  • You’re leaving your wife in a couple of hours to drive 4 hours to spend the weekend with a play partner, and have a first date with someone you met on a dating app on your way home.
  • You’re on your way home to your other partner.
  • People in society/your workplace are talking about relationship drama like it’s taboo and you’re the only one actually trying to think of other ways to solve it.
  • You have multiple people nagging you to go to the doctor when you aren’t feeling well or reminding you to eat when your meds prevent you from feeling hungry.
  • Your polycule takes a vote and you get outnumbered by your partners and metamours.
  • You can never go out to eat because no one will make a damn choice!
  • You run out of clean sheets and it’s only been a week since you did laundry.
  • You have more bed than bedroom.
  • You’re seriously considering buying land just so everyone can build a tiny house and live together.
  • You make weekly runs to Costco and they ask how many teens you have and the answer is multiple adults any given weekend.
  • You have to eat multiple Christmas dinners each year.
  • You can get the quantity discount on Mother’s Day cards.
  • You have to think hard about who all is in your polycule.
  • You spend hours with your partner gossiping about your crushes and other partners.
  • You find your metamour’s underwear in your laundry and slingshot it to them next time you see them.
  • You get teased by multiple partners at the same time.
  • You and your metamour tease your mutual partner together.
  • Someone complains about people flirting with their partner and you can’t understand why they’re upset.
  • You go out and all of you turn to look at the same person who caught your eye. Then you try to tell the others but they saw too.
  • You can’t figure out who’s clothes are whose.
  • You feel your heart swell as you watch your child bond with each of your partners.
  • You look for fireproof bedding for the multiple partners into fireplay.
  • A significant portion of your morning involves sending good morning texts and post-shower selfies.
  • You see a love triangle in a show or movie and logically think they don’t have to choose they can make it poly.
  • Your partner makes coffee for you because you get up at o’dark thirty to talk to your other people on the phone.
  • You don’t have to pack your phone charger for overnight because you use your metamour’s charger.
  • You see a cute girl and your first thought is if she would like your significant other.
  • You explain to the world over-and-other that it’s not about the sex and some people just don’t understand or believe you no matter how many times you repeat it.
  • You have multiple dates for your homecoming dance.
  • You wake up and there’s some random third adult in your bed and you’re not disturbed.
  • You casually mention to a friend that your spouse is doing x and your partner is doing y, and your spouse’s partner is doing z.
  • You’re trying to find a way to make your +1 a +more.
  • Your first kiss was with multiple people on New Year’s Eve.
  • You own like 10 toothbrushes scattered across the country.
  • You have to climb over someone to go to the bathroom at 2:00 AM.
  • Your partner’s spouse sends a text to tell you to have fun on your date.
  • Your partner does your nails so you don’t hurt your new love interest while having sexy times for the first time.
  • Your partner’s other partner complements you with your other partner.
  • You help trim your spouse’s privates so he feels pretty for a new connection.
  • You mess around and hurt your own feels on accident overthinking possible situations before they arise.
  • You value freedom over anything else.
  • You get three different goodnight messages reminding you to take your medicine.
  • You have the “I-have-cancer” conversation with your partner four times.
  • You have a Hulu/Netflix profiles for each of your partners and metamours.
  • You have the exact same phone and passcode as your partner to make things easier.
  • You bought your cell phone at the recommendation of one of your partners.
  • You have extra cell phone charges for phones you don’t even own.

Read the other parts of the series!

Volume One | Volume Two | Volume Three | Volume Four
Volume Five | Volume Six| Volume Seven


Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

6 thoughts on “You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 2

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