You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 3

This is a seven-part series touching on everything from your metamour and paramour tag-teaming to tea you to the numerous metaphors used to describe your polycule’s calendar.  Thank you to all of my polyamorous family in the multitude of Facebook groups I’m in for their contribution to this post.  By no means is this list fulling encompassing; if I’ve missed something you’d like to see in the next part of this series, leave a comment!

You know you’re polyamorous when…

  • You have a Lost & Found in your bedroom.
  • You realize you need a king-size bed at a minimum.
  • You debate on if you should start a commune.
  • You build a Sims family with all your friends, look at houses with your best friends, and imagine your lives together.
  • You had two sets of ‘parent’ dolls for your playhouse as a child that were all married to each other and raised one big happy family.
  • You forget to change in private when you have company over because you’re so used to changing in front of everybody that lives with you.
  • Your partner looks at someone sitting across the restaurant and goes “What do you think?”
  • You let your metamour and their partner use your house for their anniversary to get alone time while you’re at her house.
  • Your partners pick on you at the same time.
  • You tell your partner to wear that really great shirt that matches their hair so they look extra handsome for the first date.
  • You think, “Wait a moment, these aren’t my pants…” while getting dressed.
  • Your spouse tells your partner where all your ticklish spots are.
  • You have a His/Hers/Theirs/Etc. towel set in the closet.
  • You have more love to give than just one person can absorb.
  • No bed is really big enough.
  • Your metamour hands you her baby so she and your hubby can have bedroom time.
  • You hold a house meeting to discuss the best ways to torture your spouse.
  • You buy household products in bulk.
  • You don’t remember which movies you’ve watched with which partner.
  • Your spouse asks if you can pick up some milk from the store on your way home from your date.
  • You ask your nesting partner if they used the last few condoms with their other partner, or if you still have enough left for the evening.
  • You have several different alcohols in your fridge for various partners and metamours.
  • Your foyer and living room look like a donation pile for a local clothing charity.
  • You find out your metamour is into the same books that you are, so you try to sneak in a friendship with them.
  • Your pet has 2 daddies and 3 mommies.
  • Your spouse buys the condoms for your trip to visit another partner and their mother drives you to the airport.
  • Your partner’s spouse’s partner is staying at your place overnight because the in-laws are in town and their house is cramped.
  • You take cute pictures of your partner and send it to all of his partners so they can see him too.
  • You wake up golden brown because multiple people with 98.6 degrees of body heat sleeping in the same bed can slow-roast a human being.
  • You get annoyed that family memberships usually only include 2 adults and get stupidly happy when they include more.
  • Your nesting partner’s nicest comment about your LDR partner is “I just don’t like them,” but they’re still respectful of your time and space to video chat with them uninterrupted.
  • You’re out seeing a band and ask some random person to dance, they ask if your partner is okay with it, you shrug and say ask them, and you all 3 end up dancing together.
  • You meet other people’s metamours and they’re nice and hope when you get your own metamours they’re as nice and cute as them.
  • You can’t watch rom coms without saying “JUST BE POLY!”
  • You start shopping “mothers” rings for the polycule stones instead.
  • You seriously wonder if the waitress at your favorite place ever wonders if you are cheating because you’ve taken at least 5 different people to the same place.
  • Your eyes are stuck pointing skyward from eye muscle spasm caused by rolling your eyes at the people who say you’re an “ethical cheater”.
  • You need a flow chart to accurately explain your current relationships.
  • You have to explain that your Master and your spouse were two different guys.
  • You’re nervous that your partners may not get along.
  • You mention your partners and people ask if they know about each other.
  • You sometimes forget who you’ve told what and start keeping a journal for conversations.
  • You have to specify which partner you are talking about.
  • Your spouse is full of the bubbles with NRE and it makes you deliriously happy.
  • Your partner helps you pick clothes for your date with your other partner.
  • Your spouse’s partner calls you up to get her in trouble “Hey, you’re not supposed to be doing that [random silly thing]. I’m gonna call your spouse.”
  • You need PowerPoint to describe your relationship.
  • You have to explain to others in your profession that you’re not talking about business partners.
  • You want to fuck people who are fucking people you are fucking.
  • Your nesting partner comes in and socializes with you and your partner, while both of you are still naked in bed.
  • Your anniversary gift for a partner is something for them to wear on a date with another partner.
  • Your spouse bakes your partner a “Happy Vasectomy!” cake.
  • You and your partners call the children polywogs and metamour minions.
  • You wake up delirious and it takes you a few seconds to realize which partner you’re asleep next to.
  • You’re married, have a partner, and another partner, and still, don’t know when people are into/flirting with you.
  • You find happiness in your partner’s happiness with another partner.
  • Your spouse threatens to tell your partner on you.
  • You make everyone one cup of coffee in the morning and it has to be a full pot.
  • You’re taking a shower with your partner and their spouse walks in and everyone laughs and tells them that it was a good thing they hadn’t shown up 10 minutes sooner.
  • Your spouse’s partner is your partner’s spouse.
  • You become your partner’s wingman.
  • You get pissed off and want to fight the person who broke your partner’s heart/spirit.

Read the other parts of the series!

Volume One | Volume Two | Volume Three | Volume Four
Volume Five | Volume Six| Volume Seven

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Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

6 thoughts on “You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 3

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