You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 5

This is a seven-part series touching on everything from your metamour and paramour tag-teaming to tea you to the numerous metaphors used to describe your polycule’s calendar.  Thank you to all of my polyamorous family in the multitude of Facebook groups I’m in for their contribution to this post.  By no means is this list fulling encompassing; if I’ve missed something you’d like to see in the next part of this series, leave a comment!

You know you’re polyamorous when…

  • Your child’s daycare list of approved people to pick up your son looks like a CVS receipt.
  • The saying “two peas in a pod” makes no sense to you.
  • You tell your monogamous friends you met a new friend and they look at you and ask “friend, or ‘friend’?”
  • Your interest’s spouse gives you pointers on how to flirt with him and sets up a conversation with all of you and then walks away forcing you both to talk to each other.
  • Your spouse points out sexy people to you.
  • You kiss your partner goodbye on the front porch, then your partner who is also his fiance kisses him goodbye in front of the neighbors.
  • You live with your partner’s other partner’s partner.
  • Your children have pet names for your partners (i.e. half-mom, mom-ish, dad-type).
  • You yell at the TV “Shut up, they’re hot too, just cuddle pile and talk already!”
  • Your birth plan has to have a second page in order to make sure all your partners, your close metamours, and chosen family are allowed to be in the room the entire time.
  • Your polycule is an amazing team.
  • You and your metamour agree on something that your mutual partners do not agree upon.
  • Your metamour, spouse, and partner are all present in the delivery room.
  • You confuse people with who is your partner and who is your metamour.
  • All the partners in the delivery room rotate “stations,” (i.e. massaging her back, to feeding her ice chips; from feeding ice chips to fanning; from fanning to quick nap on the couch; from a quick nap to massaging her back).
  • The only drama is when one couple has dessert and the others don’t.
  • You’re happy that your partners are having a metamour date.
  • You have an especially cruddy day, get the courage to reach out to people, and your polycule finds ways to help.
  • Employees of restaurants you regular thinks you’re a horn dog because you come in with different dates all the time.
  • You can never be fully happy in only one country when your partners live on opposite sides of the world.
  • You and your spouse are looking for a little fun with your friends.
  • You’re talking to the Uber driver about your partner wrecking your car and you’re waiting for your spouse’s reply about it.
  • You have to add your spouse’s partner into almost every one of your plans.
  • You are crazy open about your STI testing.
  • Your date asks if you would like to text their nesting partner on the first date.
  • You feel incredibly turned on by the confidence and transparency in your relationships.
  • Your spouse and partner team up to nag you about shit you’d rather not be doing.
  • Your parent’s party invites say “Everyone invited gets a plus 1 (except for you who can bring however many people you is dating at the moment.)”
  • Your partners gang-up on you to keep you in bed when you’re sick.
  • Your partner provides 3 different phone charger chords on the “visitors” side of the bed.
  • You’re washing towels and sheets almost every day although you live by yourself.
  • You accidentally put on your metamour’s underwear.
  • You can’t figure out who’s shirt it is, you just found in the laundry.
  • Your partner recommends or encourages one of her close friends to have sex with you.
  • You stop assuming that “I have a partner” means you don’t have a shot and keep on flirting.
  • You follow up “Do you have a partner?” with “Are you two monogamous?”.
  • Your partner and you point out nice butts when walking around.
  • Your nesting partner helps you tidy up for your date.
  • Your partner is getting ready to go out on a date and you reach into your wallet and slip them $40 and kiss them goodbye and tell them that you hope they have a wonderful time together.
  • You’re watching a movie with the polycule, you’re seated in the middle of your Vee/triad, and you make a point to lay on both partners equally during the movie.
  • You’re wearing at least 5 different jewelry items from different partners.
  • Meeting the parents is still special but not necessary.
  • You yell at the ridiculous love triangle tropes used by TV/movies.
  • Three of your partners spend the week comforting you when the fourth one has upset you.
  • You announce to a room, “who doesn’t have a headache?” And ask anybody not answering to turn out the lights.
  • You regularly have ‘good time’ with your friends and their partners.
  • You sit at the movies with almost everyone holding hands because everyone’s spouse/love interest/metamour is next to each other and loving it.
  • There is a lot of swapping bags of candy and popcorn back and forth at the theater.
  • Loo roll is purchased in bulk and still doesn’t last long.
  • You play fight over what can be considered an equal date with each set of partners so you can have alone together time.
  • You go on a date and your date’s partner ends up at the same restaurant (with their date) and you turn it into a double date.

Read the other parts of the series!

Volume One | Volume Two | Volume Three | Volume Four
Volume Five | Volume Six| Volume Seven

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Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

6 thoughts on “You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 5

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