You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 6

This is a seven-part series touching on everything from your metamour and paramour tag-teaming to tea you to the numerous metaphors used to describe your polycule’s calendar.  Thank you to all of my polyamorous family in the multitude of Facebook groups I’m in for their contribution to this post.  By no means is this list fulling encompassing; if I’ve missed something you’d like to see in the next part of this series, leave a comment!

You know you’re polyamorous when…

  • You’ve done at least a load of laundry every day for the last week but it doesn’t seem to have made a dent in the looming pile of dirty clothes.
  • You go to the same movie multiple times because your partners all have different schedules and want a 1:1 date to see said movie.
  • You forget who’s house your favorite dress and stuffie is at.
  • You’re the wing person for your fiancé and also type out texts for them to their partners.
  • You’re out with your partner checking out the same people.
  • You’re out with your partner and your spouse and his GF walk in.
  • You have a laundry basket of clothes that aren’t yours and you don’t know to which partner they belong.
  • Your partner gets excited because they see you reading a book their spouse suggested.
  • Your metamour writes your dating profile.
  • You and your metamour gang up on your spouse.
  • Your partner spoils your spouse.
  • You walk in on your partners doing something sexy and somebody only shouts “it’s not what it looks like!” to be a dork.
  • Your spouse spoiled your partner’s surprise.
  • Your spouse and your metamour pick on you together.
  • You tell your partner to wear that one cute outfit so that the new date will see how pretty their eyes are.
  • You get a goofy-ass smile instead of being filled with seething rage when your partner is hella flirting with someone else – bonus grins if it works out.
  • Your busy partner loves that there are other people in your life to take care of you when they can’t.
  • Your partner drunkenly yells at you to tell your crush how you feel “Because you’re both so amazing and it needs to be said.”
  • You hand your spouse a carton of ice cream, cookies, and soda and send them to their partner’s house because their partner is having a crappy day and you want your friend to feel better.
  • You get your spouse to review texts to crushes to make sure you don’t sound crazy and scare them off.
  • You get excited about dates that you won’t be going on.
  • Half the memes in your feed involve unicorns or polyurethane.
  • You always have people to help you move.
  • You have a pile of unclaimed clothes with no idea to whom they belong.
  • Your spouse finally asks your best friend out and you’re hella excited.
  • You want more for your partner than you can give them.
  • You tell your spouse to text their partner back because you want to know what fun plans they have tonight.
  • Your partner says “hey honey” and you don’t know who they’re talking to.
  • Your partners get their own special name that you don’t call anyone else.
  • Your spouse reminds you to take condoms on a date.
  • Your friend says their primary partner sent them to the emergency room, so you ask them if they need a safe place to stay, and they tell you it’s their primary care physician.
  • You give the “lots and none at all” fumble response to the “Are you single ?” question.
  • You’re doing laundry more than each other.
  • You can comperse during hard circumstances.
  • You and your significant other have a race to see who can get the cute guys number first.
  • You send a selfie of you all dressed up for a first date to your partner.
  • You have no idea whose underwear is in your laundry, so you make likely suspect piles.
  • Your spouse partner and lover go fishing together without you.
  • You help your spouse pick an outfit for a first date.
  • You and your partners take turns giving pep talks before someone goes out on a date.
  • You ask your partner’s spouse to buy condoms because you don’t trust him to remember.
  • You remind your spouse to take condoms on their date.
  • Your partner is instructed to send a picture so you know they didn’t forget to buy condoms.
  • Cooking for a family dinner is like preparing for a horde of marines.
  • Your partner looks at someone’s ass and you tell them to ask them out.
  • You plot with your metamour on ways to seduce your mutual partner.
  • You ask your fiance every day “Any luck on bumble yet? Any dates lined up? Did you text that one girl back?” because they’re shy but they want a partner so you want to help.
  • You can never find anything to wear or that other sock.
  • There is always playful teasing- in stereo!
  • You give up explaining at your family holiday party why you show up with a full passenger minibus.
  • Your partner offered to take the kids for a whole weekend so you can go on dates.
  • Your spouse gets annoyed at you because you’re not going on dates anymore because you don’t have time.
  • You have to explain that the person you came with isn’t your friend, but your kind of stepchild, because you aren’t their actual parent and aren’t married to their parent but to another person.
  • You and your partner swipe through dating apps together looking for good matches for each other.
  • Your partners team up to bully you in (gentle, light-hearted) teasing as a bonding exercise, becoming friends.
  • You and your spouse are always asking to whom this {insert item of clothing} belongs.

Read the other parts of the series!

Volume One | Volume Two | Volume Three | Volume Four
Volume Five | Volume Six| Volume Seven


Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

4 thoughts on “You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 6

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