You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 7

This is a seven-part series touching on everything from your metamour and paramour tag-teaming to tea you to the numerous metaphors used to describe your polycule’s calendar.  Thank you to all of my polyamorous family in the multitude of Facebook groups I’m in for their contribution to this post.  By no means is this list fulling encompassing; if I’ve missed something you’d like to see in the next part of this series, leave a comment!

You know you’re polyamorous when…

  • Your partners meet and already know one another.
  • You imagine partners meeting each other and you’re not nervous about jealousy, but about the scheming.
  • Your voice chatting with a partner and shush them and your spouse chimes in with “Isn’t shushing you a punishable offense?” and they proceed to chat about you, with you sitting there.
  • You have ten partners and aren’t feeling polysaturated.
  • Your talking to your partner and metamour about you having a certain need that you need help with and your metamour asks if you’ve spoken with their other partner.
  • Your dating life begins to look like the cast of Inside Out.
  • Your partner tells you to go to bed because you have a breakfast date in the morning.
  • Each partner calls dibs on which movie they get to watch with whom for the first time, and there’s a flow chart to help keep track.
  • You collaborate with your metamour for birthday/Christmas plans and presents.
  • You are excited when your partner is going on a first date.
  • You get excited about your partner’s date and help them make the bed with fresh sheets before leaving for the night.
  • You’ve washed your bedsheets three times in one week.
  • You tell your partner the same thing twice because you can’t remember which partner you told about the thing.
  • You keep a robe in your bedroom for visiting partners to wear to the bathroom.
  • You think you’ve told your partner a story, but you actually told a different partner.
  • You tell a partner a story and they were actually there.
  • You share a memory with a partner thinking they were there for that one time, but it wasn’t them.
  • Explaining your life to your monogamous friends usually requires a diagram.
  • There’s always a war zone in your house over the last two cookies.
  • You never have to steal a hoodie ever again because you now live in a never-ending pile of laundry.
  • Your partner plugs in a phone charger at your house that you live in solo, and it is labeled with his name in your other partner’s handwriting.
  • You conspire with your metamour half a world away so they can send surprises to the person you both adore.
  • You and your partner meet up with your spouse and their partner for brunch.
  • You grab a pair of boxers for your partner in the shower and he comes out saying “these aren’t mine but I’m still wearing them” because he shares clothes with your other partner.
  • Your partner says your other partner can have their night and your spouse doesn’t care.
  • Your new crotch doctor asks you how long you’ve been with your partner and you immediately answer, “Which one?”
  • There’s never any food in the house.
  • You’re such good friends with your metamour that she hugs you.
  • Your metamour comes to your rescue with your partner.
  • You’re taking a shower with your partner and his spouse walks in and everyone laughs.
  • You spend more time talking about making love than actually making love.
  • Your partner is your “wingperson”.
  • You nag your spouse because his hookup told you he doesn’t reciprocate oral.
  • You come downstairs to find your spouse and partner having coffee together, and they both give you that mysterious little smile before giggling to each other.
  • Your nesting partner wakes you up from your nap to get ready for your first date with someone else.
  • You send a good morning text to the group chat because you’re in a hurry and can’t individually talk.
  • You have a special text that is always meant for all three of you.
  • Your nesting partner pushes you out the door playfully to go see your other partner because they need me time, you need sexy time.
  • Your spouse and child go with you to help your partner clean their house.
  • Your metamour kisses you right after you’ve had sex with your shared partner because they like the taste of your shared partner on your lips.
  • You end up sleeping alone because your partners are up all night playing video games together and you kind of love having the bed all to yourself.
  • You get more excited about you’re partner’s date than they do.
  • Your teen is watching TV and suddenly yells out “And another problem that could be solved by communication skills and polyamory! Mom, why are people weird?”
  • You tell a co-worker ‘my partner and I went for a meal yesterday’ and they look confused and say ‘but I thought you said your partner went on holiday with her friend at the weekend?’
  • You have to write down how everyone in the house wants their eggs.
  • You have multiple toothbrushes in your bathroom cabinet and have to remember which one is yours.
  • Your shower looks like you have a shampoo and soap obsession because there are so many different kinds to accommodate each partner.
  • You get strange looks from all the Muggles when your partner passionately kisses their spouse goodbye/hello and then passionately kisses you goodbye/ hello.
  • Introductions sound like: this is my partner J and his other partner T and her spouse B and J’s other partner E and her other partner D and this is my other partner W and his spouse R and her partner J.
  • People on HGTV refer to the king bed as “huge” and you and your partners all laugh at the same time because fitting all 4 of you comfortably is a struggle.
  • You have a “doodie duty” chart for keeping up with whose turn it is to clean the cat litter, but there are no kids to warrant such a childish name for a chart, you just all have such severe ADHD that you need something outrageous to make you remember it’s there.

Read the other parts of the series!

Volume One | Volume Two | Volume Three | Volume Four
Volume Five | Volume Six| Volume Seven

JewellUncensoredSignature

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

4 thoughts on “You Know You’re Polyamorous When Vol. 7

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