There’s been a lot of posts on Facebook lately about Languages, be it Love Languages, Self Love Languages, or Apology Languages. Maybe it’s just my friends, or maybe it’s a trend that’s flowing through all of Facebook. Most of the information on Facebook has been in the form of pictures with a grid that described each of the languages.
Keep in mind that while these languages are titled ‘Love Languages’ they translate to all relationships in your life: the love you feel for family, the love you feel for friends, and the love you feel for partners. For the sake of this post, I’ve specified partners in describing the languages, but it’s not limited.
The highest score you can receive under a love language is 12. The highest number indicates your primary love language. While it’s common to have two high scores, one language tends to have a slight edge over the other. The lowest tends to be the one you seldom use to communicate love and which won’t affect you on an emotional level in your relationships.
I took the test and ended up with the below results. It wasn’t very revealing as to what I desire from my relationships, but knowing that four of the five love languages were fairly equal was surprising.
My Love Languages
9 Quality Time
8 Acts of Service
7 Words of Affirmation
6 Physical Touch
0 Receiving Gifts
Undivided attention, talking and listening, one-on-one time
If you find yourself feeling the most love from a partner when your partners spends time with you, you may have ‘quality time’ as your primary love language. Full, undivided attention and being there for you is critical. It’s not just being there, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved.
How to Communicate: uninterrupted and focused conversations, one-on-one time is important
Actions to Take: create special moments, take walks and do small things with your partner, weekend getaways are huge
Things to Avoid: distractions when spending time together, long time without one-on-one time
After a Conflict: make eye contact, active listening with empathy, don’t interrupt
Acts of Service
“Let me do that for you.”
If you find yourself feeling the most love from a partner when they’ve done something to each the burden of responsibility, you may have ‘acts of service’ as your primary love language. Your partner cooking a meal, washing dishes, or vacuuming floors speaks volumes to you. These services should be done out of love and not obligation; when you receive these services out of love you feel valued.
How to Communicate: let them know you are wanting to help, to lighten their load, tell them you’re with them, partnered with them.
Actions to Take: make them breakfast or dinner, go out of your way to alleviate their daily workload, do chores together
Things to Avoid: lacking follow-through on small and large tasks, making the requests of others a higher priority
After a Conflict: make behavior changes requested through conflict
Words of Affirmation
“Thanks for taking out the garbage.”
If you find yourself feeling the most love from a partner when they’ve built you up via wors, you may have ‘words of affirmation’ as your primary love language. With this love language, actions don’t speak louder than words. You require unsolicited compliments and hearing the words, “I love you,” from your partner. Being told the reasons behind the love invokes joy even more.
How to Communicate: encourage, affirm, appreciate, empathize, and listen actively
Actions to Take: send an unexpected note, text, or card; encourage genuinely and often
Things to Avoid: non-constructive criticism, not recognizing or appreciating the effort
After a Conflict: speak words that build security and initiate a sincere apology
Holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse
If you find yourself feeling the most love from a partner when they’re touching you, you may have ‘physical touch’ as your primary love language. Excitement, concern, care, and love are shown through hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm. A partner who is physically present and accessible is crucial. While touch is a love language, consent is also important; appropriate touching communicates warmth, safety, and love to you.
How to Communicate: non-verbal use of body language and touch to show love
Actions to Take: hugs, kisses, cuddling, holding hands, show physical affection regularly, make intimacy a thoughtful priority.
Things to Avoid: physical neglect or abuse, long stints without intimacy, receiving affection coldly
After a Conflict: hold each other without saying a word, cuddle together in the bed
“My partner was thinking about me. Look what they got for me!”
If you find yourself feeling the most love from a partner when they’ve given you gifts, you may have ‘receiving gifts’ as your primary love language. This love language isn’t about materialism, though. It’s the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift that translates into the love language. Small things matter in a big way. These gifts are heartfelt physical symbols of the love and affection your partner feels for you.
How to Communicate: thoughtfulness, make your partner a priority, speak purposefully
Actions to Take: give thoughtful gifts, perform thoughtful gestures, express gratitude when receiving gifts
Things to Avoid: unenthusiastic gift receiving, forgetting special occasions
After a Conflict: give a small token of your love and an apology note
Take this with a grain of salt, these descriptions only scratch the surface. Love is a complex emotion that isn’t felt by just devoting the time and energy into one of these or even all of these. Relationships take communication, openness, and honesty to thrive.
If you have not already done so, take the quiz below (whichever is applicable to you) and encourage your friends and loved ones to take the quiz as well. Discuss your results with each other to help uncover how to develop strong, long-lasting relationships.